New Prairie Ramblers, Jerry Rau.
[undocumented]
Ditman, Norman Sidetrack Tap
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It's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, partly because of the heat, and then too it's pretty quiet to begin with in that town, a town of about 500 souls that's off the beaten track, that's made up in about equal parts of Norwegian Lutherans and German Catholics, and one bunch feels that excitement is bad for your heart, and the other believes that curiosity is bad for your soul. I'll tell you, it's a quiet town. Pretty much have the cure for insomnia right there. Not that Lake Wobegon is a dull town by any means, I certainly don't think it is, it's just that in a quiet town like Lake Wobegon, it takes much less to interest people. Little things interest them. It says in scripture that God takes notice when a sparrow falls from its nest, well in Lake Wobegon they take interest in that too. Come see it whenever it happens and gather round. Or when a person falls. In the city, now maybe not every city, but a lot of cities, I think a person could fall down on the street and a lot of people would just walk around, figuring that since attention might be what the falling person is after, they're not about to give them any. But in Lake Wobegon it draws a crowd. I'm thinking about Norman Dittman who fell down here on Main Street here Tuesday last. Before he could get up, why there were ten people there making him lie down. Kept him there for a long time. Until Dr. Johnson could be brought in. He was out fishing so it took a while. Had to lie there on the pavement. They thought it was his heart. But actually it was just the heat. He'd been in the sidetracked tap for a couple of hours. It's air conditioned in there and kind of dark and you know how it is when you walk out. Why the heat and the light kind of hit you like a board. He just went right straight down head first. None too the bar stools in the sidetracked. Other people have mentioned this too, it's not just me. The bar stools have a way of cutting off the circulation in your legs. So that your legs go to sleep and you get up and take about ten steps and down you go. It's happened to a lot of people. The sidetracked is, I don't know if this is of interest or not, but the sidetracked is just about the only, in fact is the only air conditioned public place in Lake Wobegon. There some people have small air conditioners, room air conditioners. They all have medical reasons for it though. Real or imagined. But the sidetracked is the only one that has a big air conditioner. Air conditioning has just always been suspect in Lake Wobegon as a luxury that's kind of on the verge of decadence. They believe it was luxuries like air conditioning that brought down the Roman Empire. And that we're, all of us, are continually on the verge of it. On the verge of going off the deep end. It's a very delicate moral balance in our lives. And you get something like air conditioning and it's like the fat man sits down at the other end of the teeter-totter. That's it. You're on your way to the moon. Get house air conditioning and next day you're out walking down the street in a skin-tight leather suit with an ocelot at the end of the leash. Using a cigarette holder. Drinking mixed drinks. Decadence. So they stay away from that in Lake Wobegon. Now people who have left Lake Wobegon and come down to settle in the cities, why air conditioning is one of the first things they get. They get the biggest one they can find. And they turn the thermostat down as far as it'll go. They wear sweaters around theirhouse in the summertime. It's something they want as much of as they can, people who've left town. It's Come they want as much of as they can, people have left town. It's like the Olson boy who grew up on the farm south of Lake Wobegon, went to the city and went to college and became a big deal. He doesn't go canoeing up north, he doesn't go camping, he's not about to rough it. He had 18 years of outdoor biffies and that was enough for him. He moved to the city and became a big deal. He wanted indoor plumbing. He wanted a bathroom you could sit in in comfort, not be reminded of all the other people who had been there before him. But in Lake Wobegon itself, as I say, air conditioning is definitely on the outs. It's very suspicious. Of course it's not as hot there as it is some places. Lake Wobegon is north of here, but still they don't go in for it. Of course things slow down in Lake Wobegon in hot weather, such as we're having. I think in the city people try and go at the same pace, try and keep up on schedule, despite the weather, whether or not there's weather. But in Lake Wobegon everything slows down. And it's slow to begin with. Whippets game tomorrow will probably be called off on account of heat. They don't feel like playing, they're not going to do it. A lot of chores have been canceled all week here. A lot of people walking slower than they usually do. Church will probably be easy tomorrow, I would imagine. Lake Wobegon Lutheran and Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility, I would imagine that both Pastor Ingvest and Father Emo are going to stay away from the Gospels tomorrow. Stay away from St. Paul tomorrow. Probably just go back in the Psalms for a while. Talk about green pastures. Still waters. And the cup running over. I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Comforting things. And in the house of the Lord, why of course it'd always be cool now, won't it? In Lake Wobegon, Minnesota, where not a lot going on this last week, where all the women are strong and all the men are good looking and all the children are above average. That's some people here from Lake Wobegon today, I believe. Some of them.
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Archival contributors: Ken Kuhl