Carlos Andrade, Chet Atkins, Butch Thompson Trio, Eddie Kamae and the Sons of Hawaii, Johnny Gimble, Kahelalani Serenaders, Kamehameha Schools Glee Club. Garrison Keillor, Kiahelani Serenaders, Taj Mahal, Peter Ostroushko,
Oh Beautiful For Spacious Skies (Kamehameha Schools Glee Club ) Hana Kaeok (Eddie Kamae and the Sons of Hawaii ) E hi wai (Eddie Kamae and the Sons of Hawaii ) Uli li e The Sandpiper (Eddie Kamae and the Sons of Hawaii ) Moonlight Lady ( Taj Mahal , Carlos Andrade ) Oh Babe It Ain't No Lie ( Taj Mahal , Carlos Andrade ) Mr. Cover Boy ( Garrison Keillor ) The Water is Wide ( Garrison Keillor , Chet Atkins ) Sukiyaki Ueo Muite Aruku ( Chet Atkins ) Charrade ( Chet Atkins , Johnny Gimble ) Ala Kai (Kahelalani Serenaders ) Kaooayoko Ka Lelani (Kahelalani Serenaders ) Teleabeli of the Mountain on the Island of Kuai (Kahelalani Serenaders ) Island Medley (Kamehameha Schools Glee Club ) America the Beautiful (Kamehameha Schools Glee Club ) Manni Island Song (Kiahelani Serenaders ) Hosanna (Kiahelani Serenaders ) Windy and Warm ( Chet Atkins ) Estralita ( Chet Atkins , Johnny Gimble ) Bua Mamane (Eddie Kamae and the Sons of Hawaii ) Dinah (Butch Thompson Trio )
Ingqvist, Virginia Ingqvist, Yalmer Jack's Auto Repair Minnesota Language Systems Powdermilk Biscuits Silent Usher Drill Squad
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It's been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, I guess. Especially quiet when that snow fell and then it didn't melt as they were kind of hoping it would, but stuck around and it looks as if my part of the country has taken the turn, taken that turn towards the north and a little less sunlight and more other stuff on the ground that I don't think I'll talk too much about here. Except to say that things got real quiet in Lake Wabagan when they heard that I was going to be in Hawaii this week. Especially when I went up there, things became very quiet in my vicinity, and it was not a pretty sight. Envy and bitterness. Especially among older people, the very people who, when I was a little boy, used to tell me to be content with what I have, and as long as you have a roof over your head and food on the table, you ought to be happy, was what they told me. These very same people now, a little resentful, as if they wanted a... grass roof over their heads and some luau on their table or otherwise they felt life was being unfair.
Well, I've come. I've come out because I thought it was time somebody from Lake Wobegon did. A lot of people have tried to come from Lake Wobegon to Hawaii and I believe that I am the first who has made it all this way. Yes, sir. I believe it was Yalmer and Virginia Inkvist. They were going to come and bring their grandson Stanley. This would have been when he was 14, so that would have been four years ago. They were going to come out, Yalmer and Virginia, and they picked up that teenage boy, and they went down to Minneapolis, and they got on a plane to Los Angeles on their way to Honolulu. And Hjalmar had one glass of the complimentary pink champagne, and he started to hum to himself. And he started to get friendly with stewardesses. And he was walking up and down the aisle, and he was saying, call me Hjalmar. Call me Hjalmar.
This man runs a bank. And like, well, here he was, glad-handing people as if he was some stationary salesman. And Stanley was so embarrassed, 14 years old, you need all the dignity that life can give you. And to have your grandfather trucking around up and down and saying, call me Yalmer, and glad-handing the stewardesses, and they offered him more champagne, and he said, well, you're the doctor, and had a couple more. started to hum to himself and when they arrived in LA he was in a good mood and the boy was about dying. Seeing these old people making fools of themselves and his grandfather, Yalmer, walking down the concourse in the Los Angeles airport and singing to himself, actually singing out loud right there where people could see. Singing, hello, Hawaii, how are you? Say hello to Honolulu. Send us a kiss, send us a kiss, send us a kiss by wireless boom, boom. Ba-da-dee-dee, da-da-dee-dee, dum-dum.
This child was walking about 20 feet behind, as far away as he could get. He couldn't leave them because he didn't have resources and money of his own or credit cards. He had to stick with them. And he was thinking, what is going to happen? When we actually get out there, are they going to put on those loud shirts and my grandparents walk around in shorts or something in public? What am I going to do? This poor child, distracted by grief and shame and worry, didn't see the stairs and pitched forward holding a suitcase in each hand and went down a flight of stairs, held on to the suitcases, otherwise he would have broken his neck. They cushioned his fall, but he did break his leg. So the trip ended there and they came back to Lake Wobegon with nothing to show for it except a souvenir hula doll that comes in two parts on a spring so when you poke her top she wiggles back and forth. That was Yalmer and Virginia Inkvist's trip to Hawaii about four years ago. The Tolleroods, Daryl and Marilyn, were thinking about coming. This would have been about eight or nine years ago. because the pig operation had done so well and they had money in the bank from the feeder pigs.
And then Darryl thought, no, he said, rather than going this year, he said, after they'd already gotten the brochures, he said, no, rather than go this year, what we'll do is we'll take that money and we'll invest this in building up the herd and we'll get some more feeder pigs and then we'll do well. And then next winter we can go and we'll take your parents too. So that's what they did. And I believe it was in January, shortly after Christmas, when one day he went out and 24 of those pigs had died of a virus. They were out there in the yard lying on their backs with their little legs sticking up in the air. And the next morning there were 42 more that were dead. And then the last about 68 of the herd died about two days after that. And that was their trip to Hawaii.
Lying there in the barnyard, frozen with its legs in the air. Back in, you're going to regret that you asked me about this. Back in 1957, about 11 men from Lake Wobegon Lutheran Church had plans to come out to Honolulu for the National Lutheran Church Ushers Convention, which was to be held out here on Waikiki. And all 11 of the ushers were going to come out for this because it was the national finals of the church ushering drill team competition. where teams of ushers from Lutheran churches of all synods around the country compete in silent drills in a kind of a regulation sanctuary using their own systems of silent gestures and hand and eyebrow movements. The head usher plants himself up at the head of the aisle and drills these guys and moves them around in formation and they communicate with him using gesture like this here. This means extra-hymnal needed in this pew. Or this one here means remove this child.
This is one that they use in competition, which means, need an extra collection plate, this one is full, which they don't use often in church, but they like to use it in competitions. So they were all set to go out there for the National Church Ushers Convention. The theme that year was obedience. obedience to the Lord's command in the Sermon on the Mount, where the Lord said, Blessed are those who come early, wait to be seated, and take their assigned place. Out there on the Mount was where that sermon was, but there were still chairs. There were pews there on the Mount and aisles, and there were ushers there at that sermon. They were called Mounties, and they moved the Moved the multitudes in and handed out the bulletins and things of that sort. What was I talking about? Eleven guys from Lake Wobegon Lutheran were planning to go out there for the competition.
Eleven guys on a squad, an ushers drill team squad. You got your head usher, you got your front four, you got your five linebackers, and your two deep safeties. These guys were a crack team at Lake Wobegon-Luceron, captained by Val Tollefson. These guys could run a congregation through that service with their eyes closed, which sometimes they didn't. And we're getting set to come out, but then Don got sick. And Val, who had never been elected captain, head usher, but who just sort of always had been because he always filled in the lineup on Sunday morning, had to choose the 12th man. And it came down to between Cliff and Cully. And Val chose Cliff.
And this was at practice, Wednesday night ushers practice in church. He just said, Cliff. Cliff was going to go on the traveling squad and Kali was going to have to stay home. Well, it didn't sit well with Clarence. And after practice, they were standing in the vestibule. This was in February, and they're all getting their parkas and their scarves on, pulling on their overshoes. And Clarence said, loud enough for the other guys on the ushers team to hear, he said, why did you pick Cliff for the traveling squad? Val looked at him, not used to having anybody question this, an assignment. He said, well, it was seniority.
Clarence said, simple, it was seniority. Clarence said, but Kali has been an usher longer than Cliff has. Kali's been a member of this church two years longer, and he's been an usher as long as I have, and that's longer than Cliff. Should be Kali. Val took a long, deep breath, like that, which kind of gave him time to think for a minute. And he realized that Clarence was right. that he'd made a mistake. So he took another long, deep breath. Well, he said, it's not just seniority, Clarence. He said, and when I say seniority, I don't just mean who's been here the longest. Seniority doesn't just mean that you've been here the longest, Clarence. Seniority means, it means a lot of things. It means dedication. It means teamwork. It means a guy who gets along with others.
Clarence said, you just choose him because he's a friend of yours. You just choose him because you like him. That's not right. That's not right. Val said, you know, Clarence, he said, we wouldn't even be arguing about this if you hadn't brought it up. Val has that ability to state the obvious so that you... to kind of put you back on your heels. Clarence thought about that for a moment and Val turned to the other members of the team and he said, if you guys want to have another head usher, you just speak up right now and I'll step down. If you don't like it, I'll just step down.
He waited about five seconds. All right then, he said. All right then. It's Cliff. So Cliff went on the traveling squad with him. But people felt bad about it. They felt bad about Kali being aced out of the trip to Hawaii. And morale was kind of poor. Guys talking about this for days and days, bothered by it. Kali not getting to go. And they'd come up to Kali finally. A couple of them did and said, you take our place, Kali. We don't want to go now. We'll stay home. You take the trip to Hawaii. You go with the team. And Kali said, no. He said he thought that the Lord had sent him this as a way of deepening his faith. Had sent him this tribulation. as a way of making him a better Christian. So he thought that he just wouldn't. He just wouldn't go. They felt terrible.
Finally, the whole team of ushers voted to take along a 13th guy, and that it ought to be Kali. And they told Kali this, expecting him to be happy. And Kali said, no, he'd learned so much from this experience already. He'd learned that He learned that when people are unfair to you and you're angry, but you turn the other cheek, that the Lord just comes in in a wonderful way to remove all of that bitterness and unhappiness in your heart and replace it with love. He learned so much from this. They felt miserable. They felt miserable. Oh, they felt bad, but They were going to go to Hawaii, but then they went down to the semifinal competitions down in Minneapolis, and morale was so bad, I tell you, the ushers from Lake Wobegon, they couldn't have organized a two-car parade. They went down there into a strange sanctuary. They stumbled around. They lost points here, there, and everywhere, and they didn't even qualify to make the trip.
And they never come. Now, You may be wondering, why didn't they come anyway? Because you know the Lutheran Church isn't going to pay people to go to Honolulu for a national church ushers convention. No, they're not. These guys had their own money. They raised their own money to come out here. Why didn't they just come then? Well, my people are not paradise people back where I'm from in Minnesota. My people are uneasy about paradise, which Hawaii is. Lutheran theologians, so far as I know, the last I checked, were not teaching that heaven would be like Duluth. They teach us that it's going to be like Hawaii. My people are not paradise people. My people wouldn't be able to just say, we're going to Hawaii. We're going to go out to Hawaii and have a wonderful time. My people can't do that. They're from Minnesota. They're Lutherans. You walk into the Chatterbox Cafe, you say, we're going to Hawaii. Somebody look at you and say, oh, well, gee, that's great. I'm glad to hear that. That's wonderful. Boy, I envy. I wish I could afford to make a trip like that. I wish that I could get away for a trip like that, that I could just drop everything and just leave, just pick up and leave. leave people needing me and so on. I wish I could just turn my back on it and turn my back on the shut-ins who need to be visited and the helpless people and the sick people and all the people who need our love and our help in this world and just go out to Hawaii and have a wonderful time and spend a bundle.
Boy, I wish I could do that. And guilt descends like a rain of rabbit pellets on your head and... You can't go. No, the way that my people are able to come out to Hawaii is if they walk into the Chatterbox Cafe and they say, well, I guess we're going to go. I guess we're going to go. She had her heart set on it. I don't see how I could change my mind now. She'd gone. Her sister and her husband got this deal, package deal on a tour. They need another couple to go in with them, and... Can't back out on this point. I got the deposit on the condo and everything. And her aunt is out there on Maui. We're going to go out and visit her aunt. Her aunt doesn't live on Maui. Her aunt, she's there visiting her brother. She's from Cleveland, but she's out there now. So we're going out there to visit her. And we figured as long as we're going west to Portland for the funeral, we might as well go. That's how my people get out to Hawaii, if they can. But as you can see, it's tough. My people are not paradise people. The idea of paradise and of perfect bliss and happiness makes them a little bit uneasy, just a little bit, because we're from Minnesota and they're Lutherans and they were brought up to endure this life and to work hard and not to complain. So when you walk around a corner and there's paradise, It takes you a little while. My people, when they go to heaven, are going to be uneasy for a little while.
They're going to go inside the gates, and there's going to be a bunch of them huddled up by the gates there, looking out across heaven and saying, boy, it's a lot bigger than I thought it would be. It's endless here. It's just endless or darn close to it. It's just endless. How long are we going to stay here? Oh, no. No, I'll stay two weeks. We'll stay two weeks. And that'll be it. That's how it'll be for my people. You know, they don't really want to go to heaven. God knows. God knows that. I'm sure God knows that. But some of them are going to go anyway. They're going to tiptoe into heaven. And they're going to say, no, none of that for me, thanks. No, I'm all right. I'm all right. Just give me some ice or something. I'll be all right. I just come to visit her aunt. I just came because I knew my mother would be here. Otherwise, I wouldn't have come.
A lot of Lutheran women from Minnesota are going to walk into heaven and start looking around for the stairs that go down the basement to where the kitchen is. A lot of Lutheran men from Minnesota are going to walk into heaven and look around at the pastures of heaven and say, you know, you give me some fertilizer and we could do something with that. We can make that into a lawn over there. We fill in the low places and bring down the high places, kind of level that thing out. That'd be pretty good next spring after winter. That'd be good. Those are my people, but they're sweet people. They're sweet people. They're good people. And you know, when you realize that God loves you, then every place is paradise. Doesn't matter what the weather is. Doesn't matter what the landscape is like. Then the world is all beautiful. See, when you realize that, and when you have love, then every place is beautiful.
A lot of the honeymooners who are walking around down on Waikiki Beach, young kids, Japanese kids come over from Japan, American kids getting married come over from America for their honeymoons here. They're in love, and yet they're a little uneasy. They're not sure how long this will last, you know? Maybe it won't last forever. Up in Lake Wobegon, they have a pretty good idea it's going to last because it's endured a lot already. When Daryl and Marilyn walked out and saw those dead pigs on a January morning, their trip to Hawaii gone bust. I tell you, if you go out with a pickup truck, you and your wife and the two of you grab on to 68 pigs by their frozen legs and throw them up in a pickup truck and haul them down to the fill and bury them down there and do this three days running. And you don't cry and you don't blame each other.
You just do it and you just bear up under it. And then after all the pigs are gone and you lost your shirts and you lie in bed at night and you still hold hands, and then you turn towards her, and you put your hand on her hip, and you kiss her. That's love. That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good looking, and all the children are buggered.
PHC is on the road because they have no home in St. Paul. There was lots of debate about admitting Hawaii. Hawaii is a rain forest of love. Mark Twain wrote about Hawaii. Buddy the cow swims to HA.
1988-11-05 2001-09-29
Honolulu Advertiser Nov 16 1985 Honolulu Star Bulletin Nov 17 1985
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